The Memoirs of Jiraiya
by BugBite15
Summary: The story of Jiraiya's life, complete with sarcastic commentary from everyone's favorite perv. Disclaimer:Naruto belongs to Kishimoto.
1. Chapter 1

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

The Toad Sage. Ero-Sennin. Baka.

People have named me all of these, but I simply call myself Jiraiya.

And this time, it's all about me.

Well, mostly about me.

**About Me**

As I said, I'm Jiraiya, the perverted Toad Sage, author, and shinobi. My sensei was the best (if not the most perverted) sensei ever. Tsunade and I are best friends, though she'll probably never admit it. For quite a few years I lived with my poor, orphaned student, but more on that later. I'll tell you all about my life, (through my eyes, of course) but let's start at the beginning, ne?

**On The Beginning**

The beginning- always a fine place to start.

My father apparently died in a war or something a couple weeks before I was born, so I never met him. It was just me and my mother, and it was pretty hard. She was deemed too "weak" to be a kunoichi, even though she was probably the strongest woman I've ever known. She had to get "everyday" jobs, and money was sometimes a little tight. I promised myself that one day I'd bring home money and be able to do more for her.

And it might've actually happened, if _Kyouza_ hadn't walked into her life.

Kyouza was Mom's new boyfriend. He regularly beat the crap out of her, but he had a good job, and we had enough money for food and other expenses. So, in other words, Mom was with a dirtbag to take care of _me_.

Set guilt on HIGH.

Anyways, he might've got me a couple times, but one time, he sent me to the hospital, so Mom decided to talk to him about it.

BAD idea, Ma.

I left to meet up with Sensei and Orochimaru (AKA Orochi/Oro) and Tsunade (Fondly referred to as Hime).

I don't really know for sure what happened, all I know is that when I got home, I saw my mother's body on the kitchen floor.

Not exactly what I wanted to see after a hard day of training.

So, I went screaming like a banshee to Sensei, who tried to calm me down so that he could understand what I was saying.

I'm sure he regretted that later.

Because when he finally understood what I was saying, (or screaming, rather) the blood just drained right out of his face.

He told me to go inside and sit with his wife, and he went to Who Knows Where.

I did as I was told and sat in their living room for quite a while. She did offer me rice, but I refused as there was already enough snot running into my mouth. Which was all well-and-good, considering I wasn't hungry, anyway.

I mean, who could eat after seeing their mother dead on the floor?

I couldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

A/n: Sorry I stopped short on the story! I didn't have any more time to finish…was too tired…But thanks for the great reviews!!

**More On Childhood**

So, since my mother's death, I've been pretty much alone, a little on the wild side, too. But Tsunade has always kept me in check, more or less. And maybe I helped her lighten up. I've always found solace in writing, which started my "Icha Icha" series, which in turn started the peeping- er, I mean, _research_.

But, contrary to popular belief, I can honestly say that I've never peeped on Tsunade.

Maybe I respect her too much to do that.

Or maybe I know that if I _did_ peep on her, she would beat the crap outta me.

Anyways, Tsunade, Orochi, and I were kind of inseparable, even if Tsunade and I knew all along that he was a little…how should I put this? Um, evil. And not the good kind of evil. The _bad_ kind of evil. I'm sure Sarutobi-sensei knew, too, but I think he tried to ignore it, thought that he could change Orochi. He couldn't, of course, because it's very difficult to change people, especially if they don't want to change.

Which sucks, by the way.

So, yeah, we was tight, we hung out all the time not just on missions or during training. We went swimming all the time, that was the best. We brought lunch with us and stayed by our favorite lake 'till it started getting dark.

I don't think either of them knew what had happened to my mother until we had our first really dangerous, really important mission. He told us to tell our mothers that we would be gone awhile and to tell them not to worry.

My mother had died just a year or two before, but since I was alone (Kyouza died on a mission a week after he beat my mother to death. I cried with happiness for two days straight.) it still hurt a lot.

And probably more than I thought it did. I must've made a weird face or something. It took Sarutobi-sensei, like, two minutes to realize what he'd just said, so then he hits himself in the head, and is all, "Oh, man, I'm sorry, I-"

And I figured out what he was about to say, and told him to shut up, and then Tsunade hit me and told me not to tell Sensei to shut up.

Then, she must've put two and two together, because she says, "Wait…Jiraiya, is your mother…?"

I didn't want her to say it, I knew I couldn't handle myself if she said it.

I frowned, and, trying to look as if it was no big deal, said, "Is she _what_ , Hime?"

The look on her face told me that she didn't want to say it, but maybe she didn't wanna look weak in front of her sensei and teammates (which, by the way, she is, like, two months older than me) and said it. Oh, yeah. She said it.

"…Dead?"

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ .

At this point, I'm grinding my teeth so hard that you can hear it, I'm trying really hard not to cry, and considering that I'm normally more or less happy-go-lucky, one would think that it would not be hard.

In which case, one would be wrong.

I'll admit it.

I did tear up, but I didn't want to cry in front of them, so I just ran away.

But I didn't go home, someone might find me there.

By the time I got to the forest in which I had chosen to try and regain my composure, I was tired, so I sat on a low-hanging branch, and rested my chin on my knees. Of course, now that I was alone and could cry to my heart's content, I realized that I couldn't.

Which kind of scared me.

'Don't be ridiculous, they just mentioned your mother, you're sad, cry!' I thought.

Now I really _wanted _to cry, not even because they mentioned my mother, just to prove to myself that I could.

But I couldn't.

I know that shinobi are supposed to be tough, to have thick skin.

_Don't show your emotions, _Shinobi Rule Number Whatever (Ok, number 25) says.

But since when do I adhere to the rules?

Oh, yeah; I don't!

So now I'm sitting alone in the forest, trying to figure out how to force myself to cry.

But suddenly, I start hearing the sound of twigs snapping beneath someone's feet.

'Someone' turned out to be Tsunade. I tried to look like I was pissed off at her, not sad, so I say (rather rudely, I might add) , "What do you want, Hime?"

She looked remorseful, as if she felt she had done something wrong.

"Guess I deserved that…"

I looked over at her, surprised.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, turning so that her back was to me.

"Me, too. For being mean."

We sat (well, technically, she was standing) in a rather companionable silence.

"When'd it happen?" she asked quietly. If she were anyone else, I might not have answered. I might've just blown her off, gone home, started spewing insults and cusses…

"Little more than a year ago."

She nodded silently. After thinking a while, she asked, "How'd it happen?"

My, aren't we courageous today, Hime?

"Her boy-friend bashed her brains in while I was at training."

"That why you didn't come in that one day? Me and Orochi though you were playing hooky for some more research time.." her voice just trailed off to nothing.

"You better get home," I said to her seriously. "They'll start worrying."

She turned to face me. "Will _you_ be okay?"

"Yeah, a'course!" I said with a grin to reassure her.

She bought it and went home.

I ended up just sleeping there, on the branch.

There was no point going home.

No one there, anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

A/N: Gosh, I just realized that the chapters have so far ended really sadly! Oh my, this one will probably have a sad ending, too… Ugh, I hope this one's not too short.

Thanks so much for the great reviews!  (I'm so happy!)

**Dan**

Now we get to talk about our friend, Dan.

Joy.

All right, maybe Dan wasn't such a bad guy.

Maybe I didn't hate him.

But I sure was a little jealous.

Before she met Dan, most of Tsunade's time was spent with me and Orochi.

Which was great. We were always pulling pranks and just behaving ridiculously, like the time Orochi and I put bubblegum in Tsunade's hair.

Or the time Orochi and Tsunade put a lizard in my bento box.

Or the time I threw Orochi's book in the lake.

But that one wasn't planned.

He had been reading a biography of Michael Jackson and the picture scared me.

So, obviously, the logical thing to do was throw the book in the lake.

Unfortunately for me, Orochi got mad as hell.

So, no matter what anyone says, Orochi left the village because I threw his favorite book in a lake. Not because his own 'research' was interrupted. Because he loves Michael Jackson.

Anyway, so, when Dan started coming around, I wasn't too thrilled, but I figured, 'You know what? She should be happy' and I tried to be nice.

I'm telling ya, I REALLY DID TRY!!

If I knew that Dan would be around, I would always be real nice and 'happy up.'

Of course, I didn't have a plan for what I'd do if I didn't _know_ he was going to be where I was.

Too bad I didn't have someone to stalk him for me or something.

That sounds creepy, but let me explain.

Tsunade, when she had become, like, 'Konoha's top medic,' had her own little office-type thing that had her desk, an examination table (like at a doctor's office) and a few bookshelves filled to the brim with books on diseases and medicines and such.

I was heading there to see if I could get back the draft of "Icha-Icha" that she stole from me.

I hadn't bothered to knock, I never did.

Well _that_ was a dumb idea and a half.

Because let's face it:

It is not always fun to walk in on some guy practically sucking your best friend's face off.

By which I mean that I _accidentally_ walked in and saw Tsunade lying on her desk (the examination table was right there, too) and Dan…you can guess what Dan was doing.

Okay?

So, anyways, I freak out a little. I mean, I run out of the room before either of them notice me.

And then I freak out.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I did what I was sure any _normal_ person would do.

I waited till Dan came out into the hallway.

Then, I held him against the wall by his throat and said,

"If you dare hurt her, if she sheds one, single tear because of or over you, I swear on my mother's grave that I will break every bone in your body."

Uh-huh. _Including _your jugular. Heh-heh. That's the little floaty-bone in your throat. (Hey, growing up with a natural-born medic has its upsides!)

Um, I don't think he ever told Tsunade, because she never beat me up for that.

Maybe he didn't want her to tease him for it.

Or maybe he believed me.

Because let's face it:

I sounded pretty _damn_ serious.

Know why?

I was.


	4. Chapter 4

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

A/N: Ah, I've gotten so many great reviews! Thanks so much!! I really didn't think anyone would enjoy stuff I just make up about Jiraiya. I'm very surprised!

Oh, and if you need me to clear anything up, don't hesitate to let me know!

**Enter Minato**

Ah, Minato.

Minato, Minato, Minato.

Minato was a good boy, he was smart, and if he really thought things out, all would go well.

Of course, he never thought things out.

But he tried his best, and he would never, never back down from anything.

Which could be quite stressful.

But, strong as he was, he could be a little weak, too.

Even when he was older, he cried easily.

Of course crying is not a sign of weakness.

But the way he would just collapse into my arms when he got truly hurt…

Sometimes, I wasn't sure just how old he was.

My imagery got all mushed-up with then and when he was a baby.

How did I know him when he was a baby?

Well, to put it simply, his mother and my mother were good friends, and his mother and my aunt were so close that they were like sisters.

So I knew Minato for basically his entire life.

I think that when he was younger he might've looked up to me a little bit, and of course Tsunade absolutely loved him.

I think Orochi scared him a little.

I personally don't blame the kid.

If I hadn't known Orochi when he was harmless, I'd probably be afraid of him, too!

Minato was always such a happy child, happy-go-lucky, friendly.

I've always referred to him as, "My blond bucket-full of sunshine, emphasis on _blond_ ."

Unfortunately, the sunshine had a storm-cloud covering it for a while.

Because when Minato was just four years old, his mother died.

Not on a mission, she wasn't beaten to death or injured, or anything.

She just…(Waves hands around obnoxiously for lack of a better explanation) … _died _!

Namikaze-san (that's what I've always called Minato's father) was devastated.

I mean, REALLY devastated.

At the funeral, Minato was kind of scared of his dad, who had not said a word in three days.

I noticed that he was leaning against me during the eulogy, so when he started to cry, I knelt down and put my arm around him.

That seemed to make him feel a little better.

I was a little amazed at how small he was, seemingly too small to be four.

So for pretty much the rest of the funeral, I kept an arm around him, so that the wind didn't knock him over or something.

When the funeral ended, I got the hint that Namikaze-san wanted to be alone, so I offered to watch Minato for the rest of the day.

The rest of that cruel, sunny day.

I knew it probably wouldn't be too hard to keep him busy, considering it was sunny and warm and cruel out.

Namikaze-san nodded his thanks, and off we went.

Meet Big Brother Jiraiya.

Or as Minato called me, "Jiraiya-Oniisan!"

Yup.

That is seriously what he called me before I was his sensei.

Tsunade thought it was adorable that offered to baby-sit, and came with us to get ramen.

The ramen kept his mind off of the traumatizing situation from which I had just removed him.

He sat on Tsunade's lap and ate quietly.

I somehow managed to keep him busy for the rest of the afternoon, and all was going well until I brought him home.

First, it started raining really hard, and even though we got there before we were soaked to the skin, my head got all wet, which is not fun.

But, as I said, Minato was a good kid.

He disappeared for a few minutes and reappeared with some towels.

And then after drying off his head _and_mine, I realized that his father was not there, and that of course Minato won't know where his father was, he was with me and…

I got a little confused and was lost for a while until I realized that Minato was crying.

I dropped down on my knee and asked him what was wrong.

He sniffled and said softly, "Mother's not here."

I wasn't really sure what to say, no one had said anything to me, at least nothing I remembered from six years ago.

So I said, "Well, no, but she wouldn't want you to be sad, would she?"

He thought this over for a moment.

"No, I guess not."

"So, then, don't cry, okay?"

"Okay."

"C'mon," I said, picking him up and taking him to his bedroom.

I lay him gently on his bed; I could see that he was tired, but he asked me to read a book to him.

I couldn't refuse him, so I sat beside him and read him his story until he fell asleep.

I ended up just staying there the entire night, because his father did not return until noon the next day, drunk as a skunk. (Which has always made absolutely no sense to me, I have never seen a drunk skunk. A drunk Tsunade, yes, but a drunk skunk? Never.)

So, I ended up looking after Minato more and more.

It just became a natural thing.

He came around all the time, he knew he could tell me anything, so I let him follow me around as much as he wanted.

And when Namikaze-san was too ill or too drunk or too stupid or too _whatever_to pay any attention to his son, I gave all my attention to Minato, cooked him dinner (Yes, I can cook, surprise!) and did basically anything I could for him.

I ended up, pretty much, as his surrogate father.

And trust me.

I never regretted a minute of it.

Not one, single second.


	5. Chapter 5 Part 1

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long! I've been very busy. I'll try to make this one longer to make up for my absence (cough, coughlazinesscough)

By the way, this chapter may contain some child abuse, just a warning. It's sort of sad.

**More Minato**

Can't have enough of this kid, right?

Of _course_ not!

Eventually, Minato's father pretty much stopped caring about him. Sad, I know. So, I end up as a surrogate father/teacher/big brother.

Hooray for me.

But really, Minato was always a good kid, and, besides a few pranks on teachers and classmates (and the hokage, but only once or twice!) he never really got into trouble.

As far as I knew.

Because, I don't know about you, but I consider getting beat up to be "trouble."

That's just me. Maybe he thought I was referring to trouble in school.

Anyway! Minato basically ended up more or less living at my house by the time he was 14. Though, when he was 14, you might've guessed he was ten or something, he was short, looked young, and, let's face it, _acted_ like he was ten.

He and this red-haired girl, Uzumaki Kushina, were best friends.

But they didn't start out that way.

I swear to you on all volumes of Icha Icha, she teased him _mercilessly_ .

It was pretty funny, too, the way she would say, "Oh, hi, Minato-_chan_ ," right in front of other guys, and everything. Priceless.

Anyway, back to the, uh, "trouble" thing. Even though practically the same thing happened to me, I didn't really have any suspicion that he was being hurt or anything.

Call me a bad parent, (or guardian, whatever) but come on! We're ninja, and we're gonna get hurt sometimes.

At first I thought the reluctance to go home was because his father ignored him.

But one day, Kushina and Minato and some of their other friends went swimming. When they came back, Kushina was waiting with me in the kitchen while Minato went to get something or other.

Kushina looked a little upset, so I asked her what was up.

"Um, Ero-sensei, Minato…has this weird bruise near his collarbone," she said. Her voice dropped to a whisper, "Do you know where he got it?"

Now I was confused and concerned. But of course, I have to be an adult (ugh) and handle the situation in an adult way (double ugh).

I found him in my room, rifling through his side of my closet (Yes, he had a side of my _closet_ , he was at my place so much!) looking for, I don't know, probably his favorite blue jacket with the red stripe going down the sleeves.

Or maybe another shirt, as he was in fact shirtless.

I stood near the door so that he would eventually have to turn around and face me, so that I could get a look at that bruise.

"Hey, kid, what's up?" I said.

He turned his head to the side to answer.

"Nothing much. You seen my jacket?"

"Have it right here," I said, indeed holding up the jacket.

You see, I had washed it, and, suspecting he might be looking for, grabbed it on the way to my room. Am I an evil genius or what? Now he would _have _to turn around.

"Oh! Thanks. Now I just need to find a shirt," Minato said, turning back to the closet.

Hadn't thought of that.

Anyway, he did eventually turn around, and I did see the bruise.

What did it look like?

It was a fist imprint. I mean, it could be used like one of those footprint casts used to identify if the shoe and footprint matched, like on one of those shows with crime scene investigators.

It could totally be used to identify Minato's father. You could even see the imprint of that ring he always wore.

And the size of that thing?

To say the bruise was big would win you an award for "Understatement of the Year."

He must've hit more than once.

So, anyway, I being the gentle person that I am, let slip a few words that teen-agers probably aren't supposed to hear.

So, of course, Minato starts crying, and said, well, sobs, really, "Are you mad at me?"

"Oh, no, no, no, I'm not mad at you! Who…did this?"

"…My dad…" he said, so quietly that I almost didn't hear.

I let out a huge sigh.

This was gonna take some thinking.

But, as I said before, I am an evil genius, so I thought of a plan.

I told Minato to go home like he normally would, and I would sort of hide in the big tree near his house. If his dad took a swing at him, I would stop him, and he would go to prison or wherever it is that abusers, wife-beaters, and child molesters go.

And, what do you know, it actually worked. Sort of. Because that guy is a ninja after all, so he did hit him once. But only once, and by then (about 2.6 seconds later) I was _furious_ so I punched him in the jaw with all the anger I could.

Yeah. Just to make myself angrier, I thought of other anger-inducing persons and/or situation, meaning I sorta took out all my anger at Kyouza on Minato's father.

Oops.


	6. Chapter 5 Part 2

The Memoirs of Jiraiya

**The Memoirs of Jiraiya**

A/N: Ugh, I always take so long to update. I'm sorry.

I had a nice rhythm going when I started, but then I messed up.

Shame on me!

**More Minato (Part 2)**

So, as I said, I ended up taking some of my anger at Kyouza out on Minato's father.

Which is probably _wrong_, but, too late now.

So, I socked him in the jaw, and when my fist came in contact with his face, I heard a sickening _CRACK_ .

But, I am not going to lie, in a way it was sort of satisfying, because I knew it would

A) draw attention to us and

B)…draw attention to us.

See? Perfectly logical reasons!

Someone would run to tell the Hokage, who would in turn send an ANBU cell.

Which he did, so we all got sent to the principal's office.

Er, I mean, the Hokage's office.

Same thing, really.

I mean, we _were_ caught fighting in the schoolyard.

Right. Off track. Anyway, the Hokage was steamed until Minato and I explained what happened.

Because then he was totally sympathetic and let it slide. Well, let it slide for _me_, anyway.

Namikaze-san was shipped off to, you know, where the abusers, wife-beaters, and child molesters go.

No, no, _before_ they go to hell.

After that, Minato was pretty much living with me full-time, as he had no relatives.

Not that I minded, because I understood what he was going through.

I can't recall if I ever actually _told_ him that, though.

But I do remember, when I told him he could live with me at my place, he started to cry, because he was…happy?

You see, in my younger days, I never quite understood how people can cry when they're happy.

But that's just how I am.

I

have always associated tears with sadness.

I really doubt that I ever cried with happiness.

I don't cry often at all.

When I'm happy, I laugh.

And when I'm depressed, I…laugh some more.

I think laughing is my defense mechanism.

Everybody has one.

If Kakashi doesn't like where a conversation is going, he withdraws immediately.

Even when Asuma was younger, when he would get upset, his first move was to pull out his pack of cigarettes and go out for a smoke.

And Minato?

When he got nervous, he would chew _mercilessly_ on his lower lip.

I swear, I spent at least half of my time with him treating that poor, defenseless lip.

Not that I minded.

I was glad to be of some help to that boy.

Because, let's face it:

He was _my _boy.


End file.
